In their questionable wisdom, The Weather Channel took it upon themselves to start naming winter storms in 2012. The reasoning they list on their website is that giving the storms names makes them easier to track, identify and refer to. There was also mention of how they get more Twitter and media attention when they have names. Is that really necessary?! Don’t the storms get enough attention when they trap us inside our homes with frigid temperatures, high winds and multiple inches of snow and/or freezing rain? Does it really make us feel better when we can grumble about how Hercules and Leon messed up our travel plans? It sounds more like we’re complaining about deadbeat friends than winter weather.
With all the lovely winter events we’ve had the past few months, the weather channel names are already up to the current named storm of Maximus. Pardon me, but why are these storms given such powerful sounding names? Won’t they take that as a challenge to live up to such a strong name? Why not give them names that are less threatening so they don’t feel the need to prove themselves? It seems quite logical to me. If you’re going to be silly and name storms, suck the wind out of their sails with more appropriate monikers. Yes, I do have a touch of cabin fever/winter insanity but here’s my suggested list of names for the remainder of the winter season:
Minimus – Much less intimidating than Maximus. Maximus was a fine name for the horse in Tangled, but for a storm, unwise.
Nominal – Named just because a name was needed, trifling, minimal.
Obtuse – Dull, indistinct, unnoticeable. The kind of storm that makes you wonder if you actually saw a snowflake or if it was a hallucination.
Pitiful – Some of the storms predicted to be monstrous have been quite pitiful and that’s fine with me!
Quagmire – Bog-like, soft or flabby. Definitely not a storm with any real initiative to get going.
Relaxing – Quite the opposite of how stressful winter storms can be and something all of us up north would prefer doing instead of shoveling!
Sleepy – This storm just keeps hitting snooze on the alarm and never got its rear in gear.
Trivial – Barely worth noticing and so minute, most people don’t remember it.
Uneventful – Goes right along with pitiful.
Vole – Give a storm the name of a small mouselike rodent and it’s certain to tuck its tail between its legs and hide.
Wobbly – It just never got its land legs under it and couldn’t muster the trip across the country.
Xylophone – X names are just hard to come by and I do love the sound of a xylophone, kind of impossible to play it wrong.
Yosemite Sam – Like the Looney Tunes character, full of incomprehensible grumbling that never amounts to much.
Zilch – Zip, zilch, nada, this one just isn’t happening!